By Mark Bertin, MD

I was putting so much pressure on myself, and my son Stephan. He has ADHD. We’ve tried so many different things to get him to listen. And we go to my in-laws, and there’s this look she gives me. It’s like, without saying a word, she’s staring me down. I know what she’s thinking—honey, do something and get your monster under control. Or it might be in a restaurant, not that we really go anymore. Everyone is watching, and I get so angry at myself for even trying to go out for a meal. And I’m angry at Stephan. I’m doing everything I can, don’t they all realize?

The list of biologically driven, ADHD-related behaviors parents blame themselves for is long. Something happens—a shove on the playground, or a social rejection—and a visceral reaction starts. I should have known this was going to happen, why didn’t I do something? It’s often amplified when parents do not fully comprehend or believe the biology of ADHD. Or maybe they do, but their spouse doesn’t. If you cannot see ADHD as a medical condition, it’s easy to assume the persistent behavior is somebody’s fault.

My kid does not get invited to parties anymore. She doesn’t seem to have any close friends. My spouse feels I should be doing something different with the children. My parents think I should be stricter. My friends think I should be more lenient. His teacher thinks I am too indulgent. His other teacher feels I should motivate him. For each of these ADHD-driven thoughts, a twinge or a deluge of self-doubt may follow. Am I doing the right thing?

You’re trying to make a change, and there may be a practical step to take. But the hectoring, often abusive voice of judgment may linger. You’re not good enough, you have to work harder, if only you were a better parent. If only I was a better person or you were or he was, then everything would be different. Or you think about your family. If you were a more motivated child, or if you were the kind of dad who spends more time with his kids.

We are frequently led to assume that we find happiness only when we get our act together, reach some state of perfection and answer the voices. Instead, we can notice those voices for what they are, a combination of what we actually hear from the world and our own inner commentaries. And then instead of taking it all at face value, we can train ourselves toward a more compassionate, insightful way of living.

When we are driven by this endless sense of letting ourselves down, or letting down our families, our boss, or whomever else, we exhaust our mental resources and make unskilled decisions. When we begin to notice the voice of judgment, we can begin to let it go. Thanks for the feedback, I’ll take it under consideration, I did everything I could.

A subtle (or less-than-subtle) inner message criticizes every move, never satisfied. I messed up again, I should have done that better. I’ll never get it right. Or it constantly compares everything as it is to what it “should” be. Do I have the job I should, the house I should, the kids I should, or even the spouse I should?

Perhaps one day you’re hanging out on a blanket at a picnic, and someone playing Frisbee accidently steps in your food. Looking up, you see one of your closest friends—and you smile and shrug it off. But if you look up and see someone you don’t like, or don’t trust at all, what then? It’s the same accident, but instead you become annoyed.

Typically, we don’t treat ourselves like we treat our friends. You’re playing Frisbee and accidently step in your boss’s food. Immediately, you are flooded with a pile of thoughts, feelings, body sensations. Maybe your stomach flips, your palms sweat. You might have reflexive thoughts about yourself. How careless. Fool. Why weren’t you more careful? All without nearly the patience or grace you would have had for your closest friend, a moment ago. Driven by these unconscious, negative judgments, where does your behavior go? What might you say or do? How clear would you be in your next choices?

Aware of their influence, you might notice when they arise—and choose not to listen. By cultivating for yourself the attitude you’d have toward a close friend, and by giving yourself a break, you may discover something new. I messed up, and I’m sorry. What is my next best step?

Copyright 2011 Palgrave Macmillan, Excerpt from The Family ADHD Solution by Dr. Mark Bertin, a book for parents and providers which integrates mindfulness into evidence-based ADHD care. Dr. Bertin is a developmental pediatrician in New York and on staff of the Windward Teacher Training Institute.